10 Negotiation Tips for Bold Women
Hello Gorgeous,
Who doesn’t like a friendly banter between the sexes?
So let’s talk about my favourite question of all times: who negotiates better, men or women?
Much has been written on the topic, and the final answer probably is: “it depends on the person”. I have seen brilliant negotiators, both female and male.
But because we celebrate International Women’s Day, this post is dedicated to all the fabulous female negotiators out there.
Consider this your personal invitation to stand tall and assertive when negotiating for your own objectives. It's time to own your worth and seize the opportunities that come your way!
In this blog post, I speak about
Self-awareness: Friend and foe of women negotiators
and
10 tips for women negotiators to kick ass in their negotiations
Self-awareness: Friend and foe of women negotiators
Have you ever glanced over at your male colleagues, effortlessly exuding self-confidence without a hint of self-reflection, and felt a tinge of envy? Let me share some insights from my latest negotiation training sessions with you.
Picture this: I've conducted over 200 negotiation workshops in the past few years. One of my favourite sessions delves into the fascinating concept of how the other party perceives negotiators and how this perception impacts the negotiation outcome. During this session, I give the participants a self-awareness exercise, where they reflect on their past negotiations, how their personality, identity, skills, and experiences might have influenced the other party's perception of them, and whether this perception has positively or negatively impacted the negotiation outcome.
Now, here's the fun part: when it comes to the guys, they often breeze through this exercise in just two minutes, with a whopping 90% concluding that all aspects of their “self” can only have had a positive impact on the negotiation. If you are raising an eyebrow right now, join the club.
You will probably not be surprised to read that women, on the other hand, usually take their time for this exercise, carefully weighing their strengths and areas for improvement and coming back with a balanced assessment of themselves as negotiators.
This discrepancy sheds light on an interesting dynamic: women are often hyper-aware of the impression they make on the other party and how their counterparts react to every single word they say during the negotiation, making them fantastic negotiators. This heightened sensitivity allows them to read their counterparts’ emotions, fears, and needs and adjust their negotiation tactic accordingly. However, on the flip side, this heightened sensitivity can sometimes make them insecure and hold them back when negotiating for their personal goals.
Ever wonder how some mediocre guys end up in top positions? It's simple—they're not afraid to ask for what they want, regardless of what others think. Conversely, women tend to think twice about whether they fit the role and what their boss and colleagues might think if they ask for it. Of course, there are also many other structural reasons for this that I will not discuss in this post.
So ladies, if there is one lesson learned from this, it is the following:
Let's use our self-awareness and empathy to our advantage, whether negotiating for others or ourselves. Understanding both sides gives us an edge. So, let's bring our A game to the table and stand tall!
I am not making this up: There actually is literature on this topic
As Chris Voss, the ex-FBI negotiator, likes to remind us in the ads for his master class, "Everything is a negotiation," from crossing the street to ordering coffee. While that might sound a bit over the top, it is true that negotiation sneaks into both our work and personal lives, catching us off guard more often than not.
Studies show that negotiation prowess isn't tied to gender, per se. However, loads of studies suggest that women have certain superpowers that make them naturals at negotiation.
Social Awareness and Empathy
Turns out, women tend to have a keen sense of social awareness and empathy. This knack helps them tune into others' needs and viewpoints, paving the way for smoother negotiations and win-win outcomes (Bowles, Babcock, & McGinn, 2005).
Collaborative Approach
Instead of diving into a tug-of-war, women often opt for a more collaborative strategy. They're all about creating value and finding solutions that leave everyone feeling like a winner (Kray & Haselhuhn, 2007).
Advocacy and Persuasion
When it comes to rallying support and winning hearts, women have a unique talent for it. Whether it's building trust, shaping opinions, or nurturing relationships, they've got the magic touch (Bowles, McGinn, & Babcock, 2003).
Preparation and Planning
Have you ever heard the saying, "Failing to prepare is preparing to fail"? Well, it seems women take it to heart. They're big on prepping and planning, setting themselves up for negotiation success (Stuhlmacher & Walters, 1999).
So there you have it—women are negotiation ninjas armed with empathy, collaboration, persuasion, and a healthy dose of preparation.
And yet, while we rock at negotiating in our jobs, for our friends and families, we ladies often hit a roadblock when it's time to negotiate for ourselves - think salaries, positions, you name it.
So, what's behind the gender gap in negotiation prowess? Babcock and Laschever (2007) delve into this question, revealing a complex interplay of factors. There's a lot at play, from societal norms that discourage women from embracing competitive negotiations to the fear of potential backlash and a lingering lack of confidence in our own negotiation abilities.
Then there's the research by Bowles, Babcock, and McGinn (2005), shedding light on the situational hurdles that hinder women's negotiation effectiveness. Issues like worries about social repercussions, stereotypes about women's negotiating skills, and the reluctance to disrupt established relationships can all throw a wrench in the works.
Let's not forget about competition. Gneezy, Leonard, and List (2009) conducted a study uncovering women's hesitancy to engage in competitive environments. This trait can spill over into negotiation settings, preventing us from advocating for what we rightfully deserve.
And finally, Babcock, Gelfand, Small, and Stayn's (2006) meta-analysis dives deep into negotiation initiation rates, revealing how social norms, risk aversion, and the fear of negative consequences contribute to women's reluctance to kickstart negotiations.
So, there you have it—insights galore into why women sometimes struggle to negotiate for themselves. But fear not! Armed with this understanding, we can dismantle these barriers and assertively navigate negotiations like the capable individuals we are.
10 tips for women negotiators to kick ass in their negotiations
Okay, ladies, we have our analysis and are ready to jump into action. Let’s put on those high heels and prepare for battle. (Fun fact: high heels were first worn by the soldiers of the mighty Persian army in the 10th century.)
Key tip #1: Prepare, prepare, prepare!
I can’t repeat this enough: rehearse your negotiation, whether it's with your partner, mom, or even your cat, dog, parrot, or rat (hey, they're great listeners). Be ready for anything that comes your way.
Key tip #2: Make an entrance and have a grand opening statement that connects with the other side.
If anything, we excel at making an entrance, and those high heels are our secret weapon. Stride into that room with confidence, offering a firm handshake that says, "don't mess with me," and disarm your counterpart with a charming smile.
Now, it's time for your meticulously rehearsed opening statement. Show that you understand the other party's perspective and kickstart the conversation on common ground.
Mastering that opening statement is your instant rapport-builder.
Key tip #3: Know your worth and show self-confidence.
Before stepping into any negotiation, knowing your worth and having the facts at your fingertips to back it up is crucial. Don't second-guess yourself with phrases like, "I think I've performed..."—embrace the confidence of knowing you've delivered like no one else.
Key tip #4: Separate yourself from the problem. Remember, it's not about you or the other person - it's about finding a solution.
The idea of "separating the people from the problem" originates from the book "Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement without Giving in" by Roger Fisher, William Ury, and Bruce Patton (1981). This concept is particularly relevant here. By detaching yourself from the matter at hand, you can prevent emotions from clouding your judgment during the negotiation process.
Key tip #5: Be open to alternative proposals. Keep your mind agile and ready to pivot if needed.
Of course, you need to be clear on your objectives. However, maintaining an open mind to alternative scenarios can be a game-changer. This flexibility allows you to negotiate with agility, steering clear of proposals that may not align with your best interests.
Key tip #6: Anticipate every scenario. Brainstorm all possible options the other party might suggest and prepare your responses.
Keep in mind that everyone comes to the negotiation table with their own agenda and may present alternative options. Being caught off guard by these proposals can shake your confidence. To stay ahead, brainstorm all possible scenarios and prepare your responses. This way, you'll be ready for whatever curveballs come your way.
Key tip #7: Set your red line and stick to it. Know what you're willing to accept and what you're not, and be prepared to walk away if necessary.
Let me make this crystal clear - when I say "red line," I mean RED. Not orange, not yellow - RED. It's non-negotiable, no matter what.
Now, setting your red line requires smarts and guts. You must be prepared to face the consequences if the other side tries to push you past it. For example, if you've set a raise of less than X% as your red line, you've got to be willing to walk away if your employer won't meet it. If you're not ready for the consequences, then it's not an actual red line.
Having clear red lines in negotiation opens the door to finding mutually beneficial solutions for both parties.
Key tip #8: Stand tall! Don't feel pressured to accept the first offer—ask for time to think it over.
There is no need to accept an offer straight away. Once it is on the table, don’t make rash decisions. Ask for time to think about it before you agree to any deal.
Key tip #9: Know your triggers and stay calm under pressure. If things don't go as planned, listen, regroup, and don't be afraid to take a step back.
Even with meticulous preparation, negotiations can often veer in unexpected directions. It's crucial not to let stress take the wheel in such moments. Instead, listen attentively to the other side, ask questions to grasp their perspective, and then request time to process and regroup your thoughts.
Avoid the temptation to negotiate on shaky ground; always steer the conversation back to a more solid footing before proceeding.
Key tip #10: Have fun with it! Negotiation doesn't have to be all serious business. A little humour can go a long way in building rapport.
As you've probably gathered by now, I'm a huge fan of negotiations. They're not just about reaching agreements but also an opportunity for personal growth and enjoyment. If you're not feeling entirely confident in your negotiation skills, why not try applying for a few new jobs? It's a great way to practice negotiating salaries, positions, and titles in an environment where you have nothing to lose. Plus, you'll learn a lot about yourself in the process, and who knows, you might end up with a fantastic new job.
Bonus tip (for negotiating with men)
Disclaimer, don’t try this on a woman, she will see right through you!
Now, when it comes to negotiating with men, I've noticed a little trick that can work wonders: stroke their ego. Position your offer in a way that makes them think it was their idea all along, and throw in a compliment for good measure. Trust me, very few men will turn down a proposal that makes them feel like a genius.
Ah, negotiations are such a blast! If you want to up your game, check out my one-on-one negotiation advisory services. I'll whip you into shipshape in no time!
Who am I to give you negotiation advice?
For those who may be scratching their heads, wondering why the founder of a vegan high heel company is dishing out negotiation advice with such gusto, fear not—I'm no imposter. With a decade spent navigating war zones, negotiating under intense pressure for an International Organization, and the past four years training and advising diplomats, UN, and NGO frontline staff in high-stakes negotiations, I've honed my skills. Today, I offer corporate clients crisis management and communication consulting services, train their teams in negotiation tactics, and assist in brokering deals. So, rest assured, you're in capable hands.
Fiorella Erni, Founder and CEO of Cheetah Stories SA speaking at an international negotiation conference.
I hope you enjoyed the read and feel all ready to negotiate your next promotion - you deserve it!
Happy women’s day!
Stand tall!
With love,
Fiorella
PS: Sign up for our newsletter if you don’t want to miss the next story.
Bibliography
Babcock, L., & Laschever, S. (2007). Women Don't Ask: Negotiation and the Gender Divide.
Babcock, L., Gelfand, M., Small, D., & Stayn, H. (2006). Gender Differences in the Propensity to Initiate Negotiations: A Meta-analysis.
Bowles, H., Babcock, L., & McGinn, K. (2005). Social Awareness and Empathy in Negotiation: Women's Advantage? Negotiation Journal, 21(4), 445-469.
Bowles, H., Babcock, L., & McGinn, K. (2007). Constraints and Triggers: Situational Mechanics of Gender in Negotiation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 93(3), 395–410.
Bowles, H., McGinn, K. L., & Babcock, L. (2003). Making the Most of What You Have: The Influence of Resources on Negotiation. Negotiation Journal, 19(4), 441–453.
Fisher, R., Ury, W., & Patton, B. (2011). Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In. New York, NY: Penguin Books.
Gneezy, U., Leonard, K. L., & List, J. A. (2009). Gender Differences in Competition: Evidence from a Matrilineal and a Patriarchal Society.
Stuhlmacher, A. F., & Walters, A. E. (1999). Gender Differences in Negotiation Outcome: A Meta-analysis. Personnel Psychology, 52(3), 653–677.
